If Paradise is Half As Nice

What a great song title. What a wonderful idea. And I grudgingly agree, really I do. With the weight of the world upon you, sometimes it takes another event to put things in perspective. Or sometimes it just highlights how shit things are. Sadly, I was a victim of the latter. No Walton’s soliloquy for me, just the eyes blinking in the cold headlights of reality.


Fact 1: I’m unemployed
Fact2: I have precious hope of finding a traditional job.
Fact3: I can actually employ myself; just have to convert those synapses to money!
Fact4: I’m seriously disempowered, so when they ask me what I do, what do I do?
Fact5: And I don’t bloody do nothing. I write the Novel (4 years and counting) , I download a template to update my website, I look into writing smart phone apps (compiler on my computer – downloaded last week), I read the job mails every day; I apply for jobs – none this week as there has been ZERO. I’ve sold most of my possessions on eBay (that people actually like to buy – exclude books and paintings which are a bit like the black spot from Blind Pugh-Treasure Island reference for those not familiar with RLS) – but I investigate eBay as a source of income for what I have left. I run every day , to keep my ticker going. I make phone calls here there and everywhere, to try and reduce my fuel direct debit (failure), to respond to a call from an agency that was never returned. I read on the Guardian blog about Housing Benefit - some people think of me as a Benefit Scrounger (there appears to be nothing else but this for these people). I think of responding that my Tax and NI contributions amounted to hundreds of thousands, but really it doesn’t matter – you’re only as good as your last breath.

Fact6: My daughter left Primary School today. And I sat there feeling like a complete failure, watching her effortsly go through the end of her early School Years; amongst parents who can give their child everything. This was never a scenario I envisaged. When she was born, I paid thousands for all those childhood necessities. I took her every week to a restaurant and bought books by the dozen. Now I serve her cheap food, and avoid giving a fiver pocket money (because I really can’t afford it) . Oh and if you say, but you can teach her things, take her places that are free. You forget one thing, TV and other people.